Numb - Linkin Park (Only Vocal)

Beyond Frustrated Today... and everyday lately it seems... 🙄🙄🙄

  So what do you do when even your doctor can't find out what's wrong with you?  Where is Dr. House when you need him?  Is there such a person as Dr. House?  So here's the deal...

  For nearly ten years (or more) I have been suffering bouts of exhaustion (my whole life), getting sick at the drop of a hat (my whole life and when I mean sick, I mean bronchitis, walking pneumonia, ear infections that do not respond to antibiotics... have to go several rounds of steroids, and antibiotics before I see improvement sick), joints and muscles hurting and swelling up painfully, skin breaking down in nasty patchy psoriasis spots on my elbows, knees, in my hair, my hands and at times, my entire body including my face!  My iron and vitamin D have been depleted at times that it even worried my doctor. I'm anemic to a point that my blood had trouble clotting after having a simple plantar wart removed from my toe and I bled for nearly 40 minutes!  (Not to mention that the wart was caused by a virus that my immune system was too compromised to fight off for nearly 7 years!)  My stomach hurts and burns, but the colonoscopy shows no celiac, cancer, ulcers, chron's, nothing... I'm just at a loss.  My gastroenterologist was 80% positive that it was celiac almost 2 weeks ago but the tests say no.  I even tested positive back in 2013 for gluten allergy, but now I'm not?  So now I am back to square one AGAIN!  I'm grateful that there is nothing severely wrong, or even wrong in my test results, but I am frustrated that they cannot find what is causing all of this to happen.  My body is depleted of iron and they can't figure out why.  I can't eat any more red meat than I do without fear of turning into a freaking cow!  I can't lose weight, I feel like a lump, no energy...nothing!  I am so depressed over this that I just want to crawl into my bed and never get out of it again!  I so sick and tired of being sick and tired!

So I have made a decision that I am done trying to figure this out.  I am done wasting my time and my insurance companies money on trying to find an answer.  I am going to focus the rest of my remaining energy on finding a way to lose this excess weight and at least get that part of my body and life back under control.  Maybe the chips will fall into place if I do that.  I think I am going to try a Ketogenic diet for about three months faithfully and see where I am in October and re-evaluate things again.  I know my weight is probably a key factor, but know this.  I had lost 53 pounds back in 2013 and nothing changed.  I was still sick, I was still exhausted, I still hurt head to toe, my skin was a complete mess, my stomach still hurt and my vitamin D dropped to a whooping 17! I couldn't breathe right and my allergies went through the roof!

  I just want some relief.  I want to feel normal again... I think I've forgotten what normal feels like.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I want to feel good about me and the choices I make.  I want to feel happy.  I'm so tired of feeling unhappy. 

Aftermath of MissyGirl

                    Missy Girl Parliman

            April 12, 2003 - July 18, 2017

  A week ago today I said goodnight to my oldest furbaby, Missy Girl not knowing that the following day would bring heartache and disaster to my family.  I woke up at ten after seven after having gone to bed pretty late and stepped in something wet.  I didn’t know what it was as I continued to stumble towards the doorway of my bedroom to step in another something wet.  I reached the stove in my kitchen and saw not one, not two, but if I remember correctly around five or six lines of very soft dog poop.  I didn’t curse or even get upset, instead opting to say damn, that’s a lot of shit!  As I reached the toilet, I nearly stepped in a small puddle of pee.  I sighed, did my own business and began the task of cleaning it up.  I’m sure by now I had grumbled a little about having to clean it up.  I even toyed with the idea of leaving it because I was so tired, but I didn’t.  I cleaned it up and washed my hands and then headed back towards my bedroom only to step in something I knew wasn’t poop or pee, but very slimy because I slid a little in it.  This time I did say, what the hell and hobbled back over to the sink for a paper towel and cleaned my foot off and washed my hands again after cleaning up what was a slimy blob of something. 

  After cleaning it up, I flicked on the bedroom light to see where Missy was because it was uncharacteristic of her not follow me out of the bedroom to go to the back door, even though she had already messed on the floor.  What I saw both shocked and made my heart sink.  She was lying on my bedroom floor laying in an awkward position on her side with her feet sprawled in all directions except the ones she would usually lay in.  I knew instantly that something was very wrong with her.  I called her name as I knelt next to her and she didn’t even lift her head.  I leaned over her and she barely acknowledged me.  Then I saw the slimy stuff I had stepped in was all over her muzzle, chest and feet.  She began to whimper when I leaned over her and I picked her up and held her in my arms against my chest while I sat in her bed trying to comfort her the best I could.  She was very heavy and limp.  Something terrible had happened to her and I didn’t know what it was.  I tried to clean her face, but the stuff was so thick and mucus so I laid her back down and went and got a wet paper towel.  When that didn’t help, I knew I had to give her a bath to remove the stuff.     

  I took her in the bathroom and set her in the tub.  She didn’t budge.  She didn’t even fight me.  I then knew something very serious was wrong with her.  She half sat, half laid there with scared eyes.  It took me nearly 30 minutes to wash her off and get her rinsed and not once did she fight me.  I took scissors and did my best to cut the mats off her feet and she didn’t fight me.  This is my championship fighter when it comes to grooming and baths and she wasn’t fighting me an ounce!  I tried to be as gentle as could be with her and when I was finished bathing her, she could barely stand.  I took her out of the tub and she tried to shake the water from her and she fell, hitting her head and crying.  I felt like shit.  I knew it had to hurt.  I held her while she tried to shake again and she couldn’t muster enough strength to do that.  I got another towel and wrapped her in it along with a flannel blanket and I took her back into my bedroom and held her while she calmed back down and I gently dried her.  She was exhausted by now and wanted to sleep.  I laid her back down on clean blankets and wrapped her up snuggly.  I even turned off the air conditioner because she was shivering so much.  I made sure she was comfortable, text my husband about her and went and got a shower. 

 At lunchtime she tried to come out of the bedroom and stumbled and fell over with each step only making it to the stove and she couldn’t hold her bladder any longer.  I felt so bad for her.  I tried to give her water, but she wouldn’t drink it.  I cleaned her up and changed her bed because she had messed in it a little and helped her back in bed.  She stayed there until my husband came home.  I wanted to take her to the vet.  I thought it was either time to make a hard decision or let the vet make the hard decision, but my husband said no.  He felt she had some fight left in her and said we would see how she was the next day.  I honestly didn’t’ think she’d make it to the next day.  He got her to drink a little and eat a little turkey and rice but she had a lot of trouble eating.  It seemed only half her face was working and she couldn’t see.  I slept on the floor with her until almost 3 in the morning.  I put my arm between her paws and she curled them around it until she fell asleep.  To see my little girl suffering like this was heartbreaking.  I finally got up off the floor and saw she had gotten sick.  I cleaned her up and changed her bed again and got her comfortably back to sleep and crawled into my own bed.  

   I got up with her again the next morning and had to carry her outside to use the bathroom.  She couldn’t even stand up by herself she was so weak.  I held her up and she peed a tiny little spot and pooped three little spots too.  She looked up at me like she didn’t know where I was but could hear me.  I scooped her up and carried her back inside and put her back in bed.  She stayed in her bed.  I changed it again because the dew had made the sand stick to her fur and had gotten her bed all sandy.  Once I got her comfortable again, she went back to sleep.  I had startled her several times checking on her and felt so bad when she jumped.  It was like she couldn’t see me.  My husband called me and we talked about making that hard decision again and decided I needed to call the vet.  I did.  They asked me a few questions and I made an appointment to bring her in.  For some reason, I thought they would check her over before doing anything but I found out quickly later that I was wrong.   

  We took her at 5 o’clock, my husband met me there with my daughter and I must tell you that making the decision to put my furbaby to sleep was probably one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life.  I know it’s not like losing a child, but it’s the closest I ever want to come near feeling like I did.   

  Her adrenaline kicked in last minute and she drank water after refusing it for over 24 hours.  She tried to get out of my husband’s lap when she could barely lift her head.  She perked up like, “hey guys, I’m still here” and I DIDN’T LISTEN.  Instead, I went through with the decision that has completely destroyed me inside.  I said I already paid, instead of lets just wait it out and take her home.  I should have given her more time.    

  My husband held her and I told her over and over it would be okay.  I held her head and kissed her over and over and… lied to her.  It wasn’t going to be okay, I was making the decision to put her to sleep.  I feel like I betrayed her.  After 14 years of faithful loyalty, I feel as though I betrayed her and let her down.  I should have taken her home to die.  I should have said no.  I should have held out one more day.  I really believe I was doing what was best for her.  She was not going to recover from this.  She had apparently had a stroke.  The stroke had taken her eyesight so she was scared at that vet’s office.  She was going to die no matter what I did.  I just felt I was doing the right thing by not making her suffer any more than she did, but I still feel like I betrayed her and let her down.  I feel like I killed her.  I basically did by allowing the vet to put her to sleep.   

  They gave her a shot to calm her down and we had to wait while they dealt with an aggressive dog.  They gave her another to make her go to sleep.  The last one was to stop her heart… and I think a piece of mine died with her at that very moment.   

  We wrapped her in a blanket and brought her home.  My kids dug a grave under my dad’s Rose of Sharon tree and John and I built her a small coffin.  We buried her with her bed, red pillow, her 3 dog blankets, her Aflac duck, her bone, her food cup, her leash, collar and a pink stuffed puppy that said we love you very much.  We covered her with another brown blanket before putting the top of the coffin on.  We had a little service for her and we all helped to bury her with the earth.  She was truly loved by everyone.  I just wish I had given her one more day. 

   I didn’t think it would hurt this bad.  I didn’t think I would react this way.  I didn’t think I would cry every waking minute.  I didn’t think it would affect me the way it has.  I didn’t realize how much I loved this dog.  I didn’t know it would feel like I lost a part of myself.   I didn’t expect the guilt.  It’s not a guilty feeling like I did something wrong, it’s a guilty feeling because I should have waited longer and I miss her.  I didn’t think I would miss her like I do.  I feel so bad for what I did.  I know I shouldn’t because she was suffering so badly, but I do.  I loved this little dog like a child.  She has been a part of my life for over 14 years!  She was always there for me.  Always listening to me grumble and groan about how bad or good things were.  She never turned me away and always gave me love when I needed it the most.  So she pissed and shit on the floor almost every morning… I wish I still had to clean up after her if it meant she was back with me.  

  I MISS HER SO MUCH!  I miss her woof, I miss her whine, I miss her singing, I miss her barking, I miss her jumping all over me when I walked through the door and yelling at me for being gone all day at work.  I miss watching her light up when John comes home each night from work.  I miss her sleeping next to me and her stinky dog smell.  I miss her prancing for her dinner and tap dancing across the floor because she wouldn’t let me cut her nails.   I even miss her turning in a circle wiping her butt on the floor in excitement!  I miss my Matilda, Stinkygirl, Tap Dancer, Pain in the ass, mouthy, grumpy, sweet, sometimes forgotten outside, always loved, Missy Girl.  She will forever hold a special place in my heart as my first furbaby.  I will never forget her and I will continue to love her and miss her forever.  

Beach

I used to be a person that loved the beach. I can remember when I was a kid the excitement of finding out that we were going. I didn't grow up on the beach, but I lived about 45 mins away at all times. My mom has pics of me playing, running and having a great time! When I hit puberty and developed boobs, I started to hate it... and then all of a sudden, I went from an XS to an XL in 6 months!!! I'll never forget the trip to the beach that changed everything! It was the summer I turned 12 and sand got trapped in the crotch of my bathing suit and I looked like I crapped my pants! I had to change out of my suit, under a freakin blanket when it was 95 out and I was soaked! Do you know how hard it is to change into your mom's Jean shorts when you're skin is wet and you're starting to get too chubby for your moms clothes??? NOT A FUN experience at all! From that day forward, I HATED the beach!!! I was mortified and NEVER wanted to feel like that ever again! I only went on maybe 2 handful trips to the beach after that. When I was 17/18 I went again and I had fun with friends, but I also was thinner and a little more confident! Today... nope! I feel anxiety if someone mentions going to the beach. And where does my daughter live???? Virginia Beach! What does she love??? The beach!!! 

Busy, Busy, Busy

Today was busy... tried to clean the old bathroom with one hand...was pretty interesting, but only got the sink, outside of toilet, back wall, mirrors and around the toilet floor done.  I guess that's an accomplishment.  Cleaned dog hair off the couch, changed the sheets on the bed bc my prop up pillow came today. going to try to sleep in my bed tonight! Well done rambling

Feeling Rather Accomplished

Today I finished the editing and revisions on three completed books that I have been working on since early 2000!!!  My best friend and I love to write fictional stories about all sorts of things, but mostly romance with drama, thrills and action. These books have been tossed around for the last 15 years with so many starts and stops and versions and discards!  Edits had to be made to update modern technology with these writings because cell phones have gotten so much better, tablets and laptops a way of life!  Social media in your face at every turn! I hope to find a publisher that will give us a chance and perhaps feel truly accomplished and accepted as a writer.  Here goes everything!

Troubling Morning

How would you feel if your mom didn't answer the phone for 3 hours or her door and she has stage 4 terminal lung cancer???  you'd call her neighbors to check on her and if that didn't work, call police right?  well that's what i did and thank the Lord she was OK, but i feel bad for inconveniencing everyone... so that was my morning

Free Falling Off A Cliff

So I had shoulder surgery a week ago today and it has been quite interesting. The pain ranges from non existent to OMG! I feel really guilty BC I can't go to work now and I can't do much around the house either. The pool liner split yesterday on top of it all when hubs tried to open the pool.  Jake has a girlfriend now and I worry about that too. My thoughts are very scattered it seems as well. I miss my daughter too