Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Letting Go

How does one let go of someone that you've been friends with for nearly 30 years? I find it odd that someone you used to tell your every thought to is now like a stranger to you. How does this happen? I know life gets busy and there is just not enough time in one single day to cram everything in that you want, but it still baffles me.  So I am doing what I need to and just letting go. I'm tired of holding on to something when it's obvious I'm the only one holding on. If I am nothing more than an after thought why should I kill myself trying to keep a dying friendship alive on life support? I have decided to focus my efforts on other things and people who want me in their life. Maybe this is life's way of teaching me to be truly independent and to just trust my own instincts and make my own choices based on what I think and what is best for me. I hate being let down, but maybe it's just time. So goodbye ole friend. I wish you well! I wish you love, happiness and health and above all I wish for you to find the best person to be in your life right now to help you and make you feel appreciated. I'm sorry it couldn't have been me. 

Now to close the door and walk around in the dark for a while until I find the light switch that leads me to find myself as me and me alone. 

Hello beautiful! Welcome to the next phase of your adult life! Buckle up because it's bumpy, but don't worry. I have faith in you that you'll make it in this world. You'll be just fine! Wait and see!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Random thoughts of ???

So how does one recover from a major fight with your daughter? It's not an easy process I guess. I'm just... I don't know ... feeling very lost and alone... How do you escape yourself without dying? I have a million and one scenarios playing out in my head... Reasons... Pros and cons... Depression is an awful thing... Paralyzingly awful... My mothers health is failing... Seeing a lung specialist next month with her to find out if the 3 masses that were found should be biopsied. The C word lingers in my head and not just any C word... Lung cancer C word. I'm not ready to lose my mom... It'll be 5 years in March since losing my dad... Still haven't recovered from that... Just want to sleep for a week... Stay in bed for 7 days and do NOTHING but sleep... I'm so exhausted! My mind won't shut off... Somebody save me... Lord are you out there? Scattered... Losing faith... Broken!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Feeling lost

My daughter and I had a fight that escalated into a full blown battle. Over what you ask? Cheese. Well the lack of it in our house because I just didn't feel like going grocery shopping after the long week I had. I mean I had planned to go today, just lost track of the time and before I knew it, it was time to make dinner. I put chicken breasts into the oven with some veges but lo and behold she didn't want that because I seasoned it with a half of ranch dressing packet!!! So she decided on grilled cheese and I didn't have any so let the temper tantrum begin... Did I forget to mention she's 18??? For those of you who were thinking poor little 5 year old; horrible mommy and all that... Wait what? 18? Yep, 18! 
I know I'm the BIGGEST procrastinator out there...and I HATE to shop, but this week kicked my ass! I work 2 jobs for school and yes it amounts to roughly 8 hours a day but it's broken up and challenging to get anything done. I had a wedding to go to and every night after work I had to run somewhere to buy something for someone for this wedding!!! Plus make dinner, clean up, look after 3 dogs and 2 cats and try to please everyone. Oh and did I mention that I got absolutely horrible news about my mothers failing health that is just not sitting well with me? Anyways back to my fight...it just got ugly and things were said... More from her than me because she has no respect for me and doesn't hesitate to let me know it when she's mad at me for something. So I left to cool off (and buy cheese) and I sent her a text message that basically was apologetic and now that I think about it, sounded a little goodbyeish... She freaked out and then more Unniceness happened and now she's turned this around to make me look like the bad mommy if the year!!!  Even my husband is like what did you say to her to make her cry??? Ok, I get it! No one likes to be shown a mirror and made to realize that they're being a shit, but damn!!!! When do I ever catch a break???? I'm drowning here and everyone is describing the water around me and having a laughing good time!!! Because she treated me bad and I pointed it out, I am the bad guy now?!  Not fair!!!

Sunday, September 13, 2015

What is Normal?

For me normal is back to school and back to my regular job that I truly love! I mean no one really loves their job but I'm about as in "love" with my job as one could be. My only wish concerning my job is wanting an additional 15-30 mins a day to complete my additional paperwork that I didn't have before. If I had at least 15 more minutes a day, I could say my job was perfect! 
  And let's not forget that I finally got a latchkey position at my school as well!!! I feel this was only thanks to 2 people. 
1. God Almighty
2. My wonderful friend, Stephanie!
I am so excited about this job because now I have 40 hours a week and a decision to make at the end of the school year! Do I take the summer off and give myself a chance to truly heal? Or do I save the money and use it for something important such as helping my daughter with her college expenses? I think this year it will be to help her with college expenses and next summer I'm taking off! Not sure which way it will go. Decisions; decisions!

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Why do people have to be so...

Mean? I mean (no pun intended) what do they get out of it??? A thought to ponder. That is all

Never thought I'd say this but...

I wish summer vacation would hurry up and be over with so I can get back to a normal routine! I actually miss my regular job and am looking forward to getting back to work.  As much as I am not particularly thrilled about having to deal with certain people, I think it would be better than what I'm doing now. I guess it's God's little way of reminding me how good I have it during the school year. Here's hoping I get a latchkey or club 21 job this year so I don't have to work next summer! 
 

Sunday, August 02, 2015

This last 2 weeks!

So haven't had much time to post. Last 2 weeks were chock full of things! Jess found a lump in her right breast and we saw Drs and had an ultrasound to determine its an enlarged lymph node that needs to be watched closely for the next 6 months. If it changes in any way it has to be removed and biopsied, but I already handed it over to the Lord Almighty and he's going to take care of everything so it just disappears! I have oodles of faith in this and I've claimed it! Jess has been the center of my universe these last 2 weeks because she also had all 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed too!  She's such a strong young lady and a barrel of laughs when she was coming out from under the twilight anesthesia they give to have your teeth taken out. And yes, I got some marvelous videos of her too (by her request). Harley went to the vet and had a great checkup and Sammy is eating better too! Me and jake have decided to go on a lower carb lifestyle change to lose some weight and get healthy! Mom and son are ready to take on the world! We tried this flax seed bread recipie and it turned out really good! We had "buns" with our hamburgers tonight! My hubby is on vaca this week so all is right in my world! Now if I could just hit the lottery for a few million dollars so I never have to work again my life would be sweeter! Guess I should start playing, lol!! Ta ta for now...

Saturday, July 25, 2015

So I have come to the conclusion

That I am completely and utterly insane! Yes, that's it; I am officially crazy! I feel like I am on this spiraling, winding road that is headed straight to bonkersville! My mind has been racing 100 mph and my thoughts are so sporadic even I can't even begin to decipher them. I feel like I'm spinning between time and space and I really HATE that feeling! How do you get away from yourself when it's yourself you can't stand? I just want to disappear sometimes; runaway. Not to understand myself but to spare everyone around me with having to deal with me and my personal demons that just seem to play upon my weaknesses and insecurities like a never ending game of monopoly.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Getting to know your blogger round 3

Here's another updated version of one I posted originally years back 

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? Still my jeans; just wish I could lose some weight to wear a smaller size.

FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? The eyes still do it for me (they are the window to the soul) 

WHAT'S THE LAST MOVIE THAT YOU SAW AT THE THEATER? Transformers 3 I think. That might not be correct. It's been a long time! It could have been Snow White and the Huntsmen.

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? Asleep in my bed

WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? Work

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? my ugly feet 

WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? Strong in mind. 

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? This year will be 4:30-5:00am

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? It's a 3 way tie between my old dishwasher, My Keurig and my Ninja blender.

WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? people who disrespect Old Glory and our military, politicians that continue to lie and divide this country by color and people who make me hurry to wait 

IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT WHAT WOULD IT BE? the guitar of course 

FAVORITE COLORS? Purple and Black 

WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR, OR SUV? SUV... I want my Suzuki back that I bone headedly traded in for what I'm driving now

DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? Yes; ABSOLUTELY!!! 

FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? Goodnight Moon & Barnyard Dance

WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE? All of them! But cleaning the toilet is the worst in my house! (I don't pee on it, I pee in it, why do I have to clean it?) 

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Telepathy mind control

IF YOU COULD HAVE 1/2 HOUR TALKING TO A FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE? I'd like a face to face conversation with Jesus so I can truly know what's going on and what's going to happen.

NAME THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK WITH? My sister, Gaynell.  ( I was 4 months old when she died) 

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? Saturday is for sleeping in and being lazy

WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? Horse shoes game, hoodie, sweater, jacket, Grocery bags, jumper cables and several miscellaneous car maintenance things with some scraps of paper I'm sure.

SUShI OR HAMBURGER?  Bacon Cheeseburger

IF YOU COULD PICK WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Nothing! I want to hit the lottery for a bazzillion dollars and do nothing! I'm tired of running around exhausted from everything I already do. Oh but seriously, write fiction and get paid to do it.

IF YOU HAD 3 WISHES, WHAT WOULD THEY BE?  That my family and friends would always be healthy; never have to worry about money and happy knowing their faith will get them through whatever life throws at them.

Friday, July 17, 2015

So Thursday was a no show...

Forgot to post yesterday. What can I say? I was a little busy! I worked 8 hours, went to physical therapy for a little over an hour for my shoulder, came home and mowed the grass out back and out front, installed solar lights along the sidewalk and got myself a nice hot shower afterwards. Oh.. Oh.. Oh and I was actually in bed by 10:15!!!! My thoughts and prayers do go out to the 4 U.S. Marines who were killed yesterday And the ones who were injured because of the stupidity of one madman individual. 


Today's adventure only consisted of 8 hour shift, playing with the dogs and dinner with my kids. Great day all in all.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

My blog should be called...

Ramblings of an incoherent exhausted girl! How did I get this old so quickly? I know my summer job is physically demanding (and I have the numerous bruises to prove it) but damn! I feel like an old lady!!! Stopped at my moms to visit and fell asleep for almost 45 minutes!!! I must say I waited a good 40 mins for her to come home. It's so nice and peaceful there. Smokey but peaceful.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Just want my bed

Went to go to bed at 9:30... Air conditioner was froze up. Spent last 20 mins with a hair dryer to fix that. Finally get in bed, dog gets herself stuck at foot of bed and kids start texting me!!! Haha! Life; mines never boring... Good night!💤

Tired you say?

I've learned a whole new definition of tired in the last 24 hours! Tried to go to bed by 9:30 last night, but Harley (our new puppy) had other ideas. After having to get up and re think the whole barricading in the kitchen where it's hot 4 times last night, we finally settled with locking all 3 dogs up with me in my air conditioned bedroom. We arranged their dog beds and puppy proofed so Harley would be safe, she decided I'm just not tired. It was cute until 11:30 rolled around and Sammy my other dog decided your bed is really comfortable and I'm going to lay across it sideways so you can't sleep where you normally would.   Fell asleep around 12ish and had horrible nightmares about bugs crawling all over me that woke me up a little after 1. All the dogs decided I have to pee, so outside we go and we took care of business. Finally got everyone settled back down about 1:30 only to be woken up again at 3:30 with achy joints, Sammy laying on me and nightmares of lost puppies. Panic set in when I couldn't find Harley and after 20 mins of searching she comes wiggling out from under my bed which I thought I had blocked every hole! We finally get settled back down and of course the alarm goes off at 5!!! I wanted to call off but I went to work and helped my crew clean 3 or 4 classrooms, pull furniture out of 2 and put 1 back! I am exhausted!!!!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Puppies are like babies that can walk

They get into everything they can and test your last nerve with their cute little barks and face! I'm wondering if maybe I should start crate training for at least bedtime. I'm thinking I'm never getting another full nights sleep again for at least 6 months!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Wow... It's been such a long time...

Completely forgot this blog existed. Now that I've managed to stumble upon it, I'm going to try to post something every day. I'm getting to the point where I forget what I've done so maybe if I write about my day, I can look back and remember things. 
  I stumbled upon a question in one of the Facebook groups I had joined called Southern Pride. The administrator asked what would be the first thing you would do if you were President. Below is my response and it got a couple of likes and responses. My personal fav was Vicki for Prez, lol! So without further ado... Here was my response...
If I was President...
"First thing I would do is cut congress' pay so they know what the average American goes through to survive. I would increase our soldiers pay and make sure all veterans are taken care of both medically and financially. Next would be welfare reform. I don't mind helping those who need it, but those who have made it a way of life with 2 or 3 generations living off the system, they need a wake up call. I also think those on welfare should have to perform at least 30 hours of community service weekly and be drug tested. If I have to work for my benefits and pass a drug test, so should they. I think the borders need to be closed and illegals deported back to their own countries. If you want to come to America, then do so the way they did back in the early 1900's; legally. I would bring our soldiers home to protect our borders and keep our noses out of other countries affairs. If you're not our ally, then figure out your own problems. I'm tired of aiding countries that hate us unless we're giving them food or money.  And those who hate our flag, country, traditions and way of life can leave with all of the illegal immigrants. We need to start focusing on our own country and the problems within our own borders. Family values and manners need to find their way back into American lives because our children are headed in the wrong direction with today's standards.  If you're a pedophile and there is without a doubt solid evidence (such as you're caught on camera or video proving your guilt), they would be executed immediately. If you're found guilty of first degree or capital murder  (found guilty of premeditated murder or murdering a police officer) I would bring back public executions and carry your sentence out immediately. I would also legalize marijuanna in every state, tax it and set up shops to sell it in so the taxes collected on it would go strictly to paying down the national debt. I figure it would be paid off in approximately 5-10 years time. I would also stop over taxing corporations to bring back strong solid jobs to the United States and make this country and economy strong once again. I would also make sure my second amendment rights are never threatened and set up a national gun registry so all data bases for finger printing, background checks and mental health issues are connected in every state and all gun laws are the same in every state. No more getting arrested for being legal in one state and illegal in another when you cross state lines. Everyone who has a registered firearm, will also be issued a carry permit in every state. I don't care about reversing gay marriage because they should have the right to marry who they want and have the same rights as straight people do. If it doesn't effect me personally, why should I care? That's like sticking our noses in another countries affairs that we have no business doing so. As far as the race batters out there, Al Sharpton to start, would be arrested and charged with accessory to murder for each cop that has been killed because of his agenda in stirring up the continuation of diving the races. Not to mention being charged for his tax evasion. If I have to pay my taxes, so should he and the media would also be held accountable for the messes they've created by only reporting issues that continue to divide this country by color. And that is only the beginning of what I'd like to do if I were President!!!"